Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
