fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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