So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Randomize
