HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
