fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
