theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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