Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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