Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
