I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
