____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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