Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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