We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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