How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
