he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
