Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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