best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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