hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
