ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
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I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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