So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
