you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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