I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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