Where are you?
In a non slutty way
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
