don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
