Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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