she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
