I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
