I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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