this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
