gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
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I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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