I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
