it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
