I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
