New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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