you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
