I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
