dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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