There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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