Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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