that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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