I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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