The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
