I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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