Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
