Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
