theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
