Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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