thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
