i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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