You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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