The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
