Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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