He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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