just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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