Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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