I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The ass gains better be worth it
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