omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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