I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
