WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
