if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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